The Old Sky Can't Come To The Phone Right Now

Hello my lovely little blog <3 

My life has been so crazy the past couple of months; so much good, some bad, but more than anything, there’s been an overwhelming amount of peace that’s settled over me. I’ve had so many “imposter syndrome” moments because who am I to be feeling this at ease with everything? Never in my whole 20 years of being on this earth have I felt anything quite like it. It’s always been a cycle of waiting for the next shoe to drop, or shit to hit the fan, and I feel like I can’t fully allow myself to get comfortable with the gentleness life has shown me recently. 

Right now, it truly is all live, laugh, love kinda vibes, and the only way I know I can process all the goodness around me is by writing on my little corner of the internet; no matter how much distance there’s been between us lately. 

I’ll admit it too, this isn’t the first time my blog has felt my absence. There have been so many times in the past where I’ve written on my site, then abandoned it. Came back to it again, only to leave it once more. But every time I return, I find myself feeling as if I’m being greeted by an old childhood friend. It’s always an extremely bittersweet circumstance because my love for writing has always been there, no matter the drought of words, or the anxiety of a blank page staring back at me. There have always been stories in my head, always new characters being crafted while I tried to sleep at night, always the absorption of as many stories by as many authors as possible. I was practically known for it growing up. 

And although you won’t find me as often with my nose stuck in a book, or writing snippets about a snarky assassin who falls in love with a super hot prince (true story), at one point or another, I promise you’ll always find me here writing about my own story, my own life, my own adventures. Because as it turns out, I’ve discovered that you really are who you create yourself to be, and I’ve made the executive decision that my life is a movie, and I’m starring in it.

Anyways, like I said, the past few months have been sheer insanity. So much has happened, and I don’t really know where to start with it all. I guess if I were to put it into simple terms, I feel like I’m growing up.

Yeah, I know, DUH.

But in all honesty, there is a part of me that hadn’t felt that until maybe 6 months ago. Obviously my head knew it, and that logical part could reflect on the fact that I’m not a child anymore, but it took my heart a little bit of time to catch up. 

I would look at pictures and suddenly understand that I look a little different than I did the year before, or I would pay for something my parents used to so graciously pay for. Even just the simple act of reflecting on a trip I took to places like Japan or Mexico, would have me spiraling in circles for weeks after, because what authority do I have to make these grown-up dreams of mine possible? I’m still a child! I still don’t have it all figured out! I just barely have it together, ya know?

And then reality sets in, and my brain reminds me, “Skylar, you ARE an adult. You’re living your life. You’re doing just fine.”

When I was younger, I would daydream of having a life exactly like the one I have now. I’m getting married to the guy of my dreams. I’ve travelled to 5 different countries. I’m publishing my writing for the public. I won the lottery when it comes to friends. I am doing OKAY, which is all anyone could really want for themselves.

I guess it just didn’t click in my head that as amazing as these things are, growing up is HARD! It hurts! There are so many growing pains that none of us are prepared for. At least I wasn’t. 

And as Taylor Swift once so controversially said: “The old Skylar can’t come to the phone right now.” 

I’m not dead, but my childhood might as well be. 

I feel like Troy Bolton in High School Musical 3 where he’s freaking out about the fact that high school is ending. Then he sings that musical number (track 9) and yells a lot and tears his poster down in the school cafeteria. I feel for him. It’s exhausting leaving behind what you know... childhood, being dependent on someone… musical theatre.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to say that I’m not welcoming of the changes aging offers. Yes, starting my life as an individual separate from my parents, is a terrifying concept for someone like me, who thrives on comfortability. But my comfortability quarrels with my need for freedom, and the older I get, the more liberation presents itself to me, and it’s beautiful, and scary, and everything that I crave. 

I want it so deeply, and in the past I’ve almost grasped it fully many times, but I’ve always stopped myself short. Out of fear. Out of nostalgia for being young and safe in the home I’ve always known. Out of a lack of confidence in myself and what I know I’m capable of. 

As I got older, specifically towards the end of high school, I was known to get a little anxious from time to time, but it wasn’t until In January, when I was completely paralyzed at the thought of my wedding, that I slowly began to recognize that my worries were taking over my life. For months, Garrison proposing was all I had been able to talk about with my friends, when I wrote in my journal, when I nagged Garrison himself, and then when I finally had the real deal right in front of me, right on my finger, it felt as if everyone had convinced me that my unavoidable adulthood had suddenly come much too soon. 

I wasn’t excited or radiant like all the other soon-to-be brides on planet earth, no. I was stressed, and anxious, and overall just a mess. It took months for me to actually move forward in wedding planning, and it wasn’t even me who made myself do something. My mom had to drag me out one day to help me pick a color scheme and brainstorm flower arrangements. 

How depressing! What girl isn’t jumping up and down at the thought of planning her wedding?

I would have breakdowns at least once a week at the thought of my wedding day- not because of Garrison or because I had doubts about who we are as a couple, but because my brain had tricked me into thinking that I shouldn’t be confident in my own choices. The only way I allowed myself to view my wedding was a never-ending supply of worry. It sucked the life out of me. How could I have the Hailey Bieber wedding of my dreams? How was I going to be able to afford everything? Someone told me I was essentially paying everyone to attend our big day, and that in itself was a whole other layer of stressor that didn’t sit well with me.

It really grabbed me by the hair like a girl in a chick fight, clawed at my face with $60 acrylics, and tossed me in the dumpster like I was closeted Kurt Hummel. It was extremely rough, and after my 30th meltdown in a 6 week period, and a long conversation with my mom who had to calm me down every time I got hysterical, I was over feeling like that.

And so came my big girl decision of helping myself; of charging headfirst into the crossfire of adulting: anti-anxiety meds.

And if I’m being straight-up: #GAMECHANGERS

I haven’t felt this light in years. Probably not since middle school. I was finally able to do things without the little voice in the back of my head telling me that I wasn’t good enough, or qualified enough, or cool enough, and that right there is what I thought was normal! It was normal to feel so little about myself. It was normal to second guess every thought I had. It was normal to feel like the world was crushing me with the simplest of things. 

I’ve never been good at moving on from things that I hold near and dear to my heart, so growing up has been a really big challenge for me. Not in the sense that I lack maturity or the qualities a fully-functioning adult has, but more so in the sense that I’ve always felt unqualified to be in charge of myself. I needed guidance, someone who could catch me if I fell too far or too hard.

What I didn’t know I actually needed, was the push to trust myself. If I fall, I can pick myself up now. When I want to leap, I leap. When I want to be still, I stay still. There’s so much power in feeling like your brain isn’t tricking you into submission.

From there, I was a force to be reckoned with. My anxiety had somewhat dissipated, and me, realizing I was on my way to being a full-functioning adult, threw myself at the tasks I previously felt like my brain couldn’t handle.

My wedding, mending broken friendships, my health, money.

I felt so at peace. 

I felt like I was finally able to cling on to the freedom of growing up that’s always been just out of my reach. By taming my ramped brain, it gave my heart a little bit of time to catch up with the whole “adulting” thing that I hadn’t even known I was dreading. Anxiety is a real liar; a real scumbag.

Oh, i almost forgot! We have a wedding date! April 1st, 2023!

The haters will say it’s fake, and the girls from high school who are stalking me right now will screenshot this to send in their group chat saying that I’m crazy, but I’ve reached the point where I really could care less. 

And I’m really, really proud of myself for it.

I guess you could say that I am the moment.

Okay, I know, that was a little cocky. But yay for confidence, am I right?!

It’s your turn, whenever your head and heart are ready.