Thunder Only Happens When It's Raining
There’s two things I’ve always been good at: having mental breakdowns, and dreaming. When I’m awake, when I’m asleep, my mind is constantly thinking up the most insane, out of reach things.
And I used to get made fun of for it to no end.
In elementary school, my biggest dream was to craft a VideoStar that was on the same level as the Brittany Spears “I’m A Slave 4 U” music video. Don’t ask why, because I’m not really sure, but I would fall asleep with extremely particular visuals of me and my closest friends dancing with snakes around our necks. When I woke up, I was SURE I had constructed the perfect plan as to how I was going to make that actually happen, and I would go to school the next day, tell my besties everything I’d logistically figured out, and they’d laugh at me.
“Yeah, okay Skylar.”
“I don’t really want to make that.”
“That’s kind of dumb.”
Uh… BIG ouch! I’m sensitive! It was a tough crowd to say the least.
I was shot down again and again, not just with my directing skills (I’m coming for your job Greta Gerwig), but lots of other schemes and fantasies I’d envisioned and planned out.
By middle school it was my dream to be an author. I would write a best-selling novel, make it on the New York Times list, go on a book tour across the globe, and have my novel translated into multiple languages, including that of latin and greek. Then I would make BANK, settle down, and live the rest of my life in a small beach town on the east coast… it’s easier to get to Europe that way.
Times were simple. Dreams were achievable. Easy.
It didn’t even matter that I had adults telling me left and right that I should probably have a back up plan just in case that plan didn’t work out. I was intensely driven in the department of making my deepest desires a full-fledged reality, because when we’re young, nothing can stop us, right? My VideoStar career? I fell asleep one night and had an exact plan the next morning. Writing my novel about magic and princes and assassins? I was going to make it by 19 no doubt.
About 3 years ago, I was about to be a high school graduate whose dreams were running on empty.
I walked across the stage at graduation with CRIPPLING self-doubt. I’m never going to accomplish what I thought I would. I’m not good enough to make things happen. I can barely consider myself a writer. I guess I have to think up something that’s ACTUALLY achievable… just like what everyone told me.
Dreams=crushed.
And I did it all to myself.
It wasn’t until I read the way Steven Pressfield explains resistance and self-doubt, that something changed:
“Self-doubt can be an ally. This is because it serves as an indicator of aspiration. It reflects love, love of something we dream of doing, and desire, desire to do it. If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), “Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?” Chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death.”
…and boy was I scared.
It took months after leaving high school for me to haul myself out of the mindset that what I wanted was unachievable. A lot of wear and tear, a lot of reconstruction, and a lot of soul-searching.
What was my why?
Why was it so important for me to return to those roots?
When do we lose that wonder?
That all-encompassing surety that anything we think up, is gonna happen?
When do we become numb?
When do we become doubtful?
I spent hours writing everything down in my journal. All my worries, all my anxieties. I took the weight of feeling like I would never measure up, and used a pen to lighten the load. I hated the shell of a human I’d become, and I needed steps to get back to the girl I connected with when I was youthful.
Just because I was now an adult didn’t mean that I had to count myself short on the intentions I once had for myself. I could still write a novel. I could still travel the world. I could do all the things I dreamt about doing for YEARS. I was not a lost cause or a fool’s errand, and I definitely didn’t need to believe the outside voices telling me I would never make it.
SKY’S 4 STEPS TO CONNECT WITH YOUR DREAMS:
WRITE EVERYTHING OUT
CONNECT WITH PEOPLE WHO LIFT YOU UP
STEP INTO FEAR
REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE AN ARTIST
Journals hold no judgement.
Good friends carry you.
Nothing happens if nothing happens… even if you’re terrified.
This life is a canvas, and you can create anything you want on it.
I’m still a DREAMER, and those silly little steps I made for myself, reminded me of that.
I’ve played my wedding over in my head beginning to end without it even happening yet.
How to build an empire similar to that of Kim Kardashian? It’s crossed my mind once or twice… a day.
In the future, I’m going to own a coffee shop, travel the world, live in Italy for 3 months, and have a life that simultaneously consists of coastal grandma and Blair Waldorf vibes.
Having big, out there, extravagant dreams is what I’m good at, I just forgot. I like to let my brain spiral out of control with them, and I like to pull them out of others. I enjoy a good daydream. A good sleep with a little story playing in my head? The best thing God could’ve given me.
I found old journals FILLED with the most outlandish requests of myself, and I still believe that I’m going to accomplish them all one day. There were pages with doubt on who I was, who I was going to be, and others shaming me for what I wanted. There were pages filled with story ideas, and documentary notes, and a map of my life, and how I wanted it to play out. I would be hysterically scribbling about how everything was falling apart one minute, and then the next, there would be a whole poem about the beauties and intricacies of what I was going to make sure I experienced in my life.
I’ve written it all out, and the word vomit makes it easier to process the significance of my desires.
I have friends who I talk to weekly- if not daily- about my longings. I’ll send Maggie airbnb’s and tik toks practically begging her to go somewhere with me. I’ll sit and have coffee with Maika and tell her all about my ideas for my own businesses I want to start up one day. Christy knows the deepest parts of what my soul craves. Hunter said it his own way earlier this week: “this in n out just ran through me faster than Skylar booking a trip to some foreign country.”
One of my dreams is travel, and to travel a lot. Hunty bunty knows that. They all do.
The hardest part about finding again the little girl who wasn’t ashamed to dream big, is that in order to make something happen, there’s gonna be fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of messing up, fear of not being good enough. But when you do something, you’re just going to have to do it scared. There’s no other way to make waves.
Why don’t we just jump into the deep end and go for what we want?
Because we’re scared we’ll drown.
I’ve been telling myself to grab some floaties for MONTHS now. It’s like I said, nothing happens if nothing happens. Manifesting is stepping into the fear and waiting for the it to be counteracted with positive change.
It’s as simple and scary as that.
And don’t forget my lovelies, just like my foot says, at the end of the day, you create the life you want.
Don’t be scared of failure. Don’t be scared of your dreams. Be bold, dream big, and go after exactly what you want.